Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

ReHiatus.

2009-01-13T18:31:00.000-08:00

Alright, I am under huge amounts of stress...
I will start blogging here again, hopefully sooner then later.
I am just overwhelmed at this point in time... but its okay.
When I get some breathing time, I will be back.
I will.

Hiatus.

2009-01-10T16:43:00.000-08:00

I have decided, like many other times, that I will be on a very long hiatus.
I am sure that I will eventually continue blogging here at this blogspot, but for now- I will be blogging at my tumblr.
Teastainedpaige.tumblr.com
Thanks for reading, I will be back soon enough.

-Paige.

Sixty-one.

2009-01-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

Its so weird, a friend of mine gave birth yesterday.
What a way to create something- something so little, when in fact; your still a kid your self.
She really is an inspiration to me, regardless of the stares she got, and the smirks and remarks she will forever live with. Unless... she gives the baby up.
I don't believe she will.
What a strong, extraordinary... women.
How weird that sounds when she is my age.
I think of a teenage pregnancy as a blessing, not as a burden.
Rock on girl, rock on.

Sixty.

2009-01-07T20:35:00.001-08:00

Life seems like it would be a lot easier, if only you would do what you were told to do, before the yelling erupted.
But whats the fun in that?
You dont learn from the mistakes you would have made, if only you said "no, I wont do that."
If only you stuck to your guns, and made the decision, for your self, to do- or not to do what was asked of you.
I hate that people assume that there's a right and a wrong way to approach a question, an answer, and a situation.
There isn't a right way.
And there isn't a wrong way.
You learn regardless of your decisions.
Thank the creator of Earth, whether you believe in one God, or many Gods.
Be grateful that you have the right to make those ever-so-important decisions for yourself, that you are an individual that makes their life complete, with what they learn for themselves.

Don't tell me what to do, because I make the frame for the artwork of my life, not you. You had your chance to create your own, and you blew it. Don't fuck my chance up.
I will do this on my own.

Fifty-nine.

2009-01-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Guess who?
J.J.
Rest in peace girl.

Janis Joplin by BobbiJayne

Fifty-eight.

2009-01-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

JANIS JOPLIN

"Mercedes Benz"

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV ?
Dialing For Dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until three,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV ?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town ?
I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.
Prove that you love me and buy the next round,
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town ?

Everybody!
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends,
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?

That’s it!

I just bought this song.
Gotta love Janis.

Fifty-seven.

2009-01-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

The next few months are going to be incredibly stressful. Finals are coming up (pushed back later, thank God for snow days) and are scheduled to be sometime in the late 20th, early 15th days. I am also stressing because my Exit Exam is coming up, which is the test to determine if I will graduate or not. Now, keep in mind, that I do get many, many more chances to pass this all-important test, BUT, yes there is a but, I am trying to graduate earlier, and honestly, I wont have the time to study for a test I would have ALREADY taken.

I will be taking on twice the load of work for my junior AND senior year, because I am trying to graduate a year earlier. PLUS, I will be taking two online courses at a local community college to get the needed credits i cannot take on home study. These are dual credits, which is good. Dual credits mean that I will have credit to graduate high school, and have transferable credit to any college I choose to go to which means, yay, I will graduate college early too! Also, if you say that you are a high school student, there isn't a tuition fee (BONUS!). So needless to say, I am a little stressed out.

Oh, oh. I have a tutor session tomorrow at the Tea Exchange, (woo hoo, tea!), which is good because we are also studying for all the tests I have just explained. ALSO, its tea. Whats better then that?
Man, I forgot what I was going to say...

Ugh, I cant remember, so I'll just skip to the end. I took the PSAT my Freshmen year of school, which allowed me to get some more free stuff on the website, Collegeboard.com. Check that out, its helpful with finding schools and their deadlines, plus SAT costs and places where they take them.

Also, the PrincetonReview.com, is similar, plus they have a diary from seniors of '09 who write about their year with the admissions process, plus they have placement tests for careers, and schools that best fit what your looking for. Collegeboard also has this feature.

Happy college preping!
I'll try to stop my brain from exploding in the process.
Do the same please, bloody key boards are never good.

Fifty-six.

2009-01-04T19:19:00.001-08:00

Art student. Yeaaah. Caaa-ute.

Fifty-five.

2009-01-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

Mmm. One wish list. =]
Wish list.

Fifty-four.

2009-01-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

Today, at lunch with my family, I asked how the seating arrangement with us came about. Meaning, why do I always sit with my dad when we go out to dinner, and why does my sister, V, sit next to my mother. How come I sit behind him in the drivers seat, and why does my sister sit behind my mom.
At first, she didn't have an answer, which disappointed me, sure- but I had moved on. She then interrupted another conversation that had started with "I guess, you could relate to him more." After a few odd stares and questions answered, we understood what she was talking about.
"How so?" I had asked.
"Well, because you were a lot like him. Strong willed, stubborn, free spirited. A rule breaker. You could relate to him."
"I could?" I questioned.
"Yes. You could." She answered.
"Why not now?"
"Well, you still are a lot like him. But, your different now." She thought about this, "You used to be the child we would call a pistol. We were fearing... wait, not fearing, just curious to see you grow up into a teenager. Breaking hearts, and taking names."
Ouch, I thought. Why am I so different?
"But really," she continued, "Your the opposite. You have grown up... maturely. You have dreams, and goals, and you keep your mind set on just that. You used to cause trouble, man did you ever. You still are hard headed, blunt, and independent. Free spirited, to a point. But you analyze a lot more then you used too. Your safer now, follow the rules... most of this time." She smiled. "Your just different, thats all."

I'm sure she didn't mean for that to hurt as much as it did, but it did hurt. What she said, isn't mean. And you can see that, but it still hurts to know that she sees me differently then I had been. You can see shes lost a little part of me, and that makes me sad that I allowed it to happen. Why have I become some one so safe? I would like to contradict that sentence and say, 'well, not really safe', but I cant. That would be a false statement, and I'm not a lier. Besides, why would I lie? You, the readers, wouldn't catch me on my fibbing. The only person I would be short changing here, is myself. So, I wont do that.

Home videos are always comforting, I was a cute kid, not going to lie. I was always bare naked, ripping off my clothes the first chance I got. I was free, I had little worries, and was happy that I was me.
I envy little me.
I do, I really do.

Why am I the way I am? I didn't care what I looked like when I was younger, which is bad, and good. I was free, again. Something that I have always prided myself on. But, hearing someone else tell me what they really thought of me, was a huge wake up call. I know how I see me, but how do others see me? Really. How do they REALLY see me? Hearing my mother tell me the vast differences in the happy go-lucky kid she had raised, and the Paige now- the boring, safe, good head on her shoulders Paige, was really a stab to the heart.

Writing this, I have pondered why I am the way I am today. It could have been going into school and being teased about my weight. The early years of my life is really when I became so guarded, so self conscious. That's sad, isn't it? I was young, in the second grade and happy, until someone (hell if I remember) teased me. I could cry about that because even now, I think its sad. Even if it wasn't me, its STILL sad. Why would someone be so cruel to take that innocence away? I am the way I am, because of that one person. I cant blame who ever it was though, because they were young themselves, probably not realising what they were saying. I'm sure by now, they have learned the error of the ways, but that dosent change what big of an impact that one little situation had on me.

But, my moms right. I do have a good head on my shoulders, I have dreams and aspirations. I want to be the first person in my immediate family to go to college and graduate. I am constantly trying to outshine my sister, because to me- she has everything. I just want to have something, and being good at grades (although not that great) is something I could do. Its not hard to outshine my sister in that way, because her grades are crap. But I feel that, at least being mature, and smart gives me the upper hand over her, funny, happy, fly by the seat of her pants attitude. Which, with her being seventeen and just about to graduate is looked down upon. I've been so busy trying to make something of myself to my parents, that I have lost who i was. I'm young, I shouldn't be this way. I should have fun while I'm still young, right?

But, here's the thing- I have seen what acting dumb, and making the wrong chooses can do to you. Can make you ruin your life, or make you regret something you had done. I have to say, that yes- I am to mature to be acting like some of the idiots my age. But, they have fun doing it. Sometimes I think, that If I just had fun, that my life would be a lot easier.
But It wont be, I know. I can have fun later, and get the important things done now. Right?
God, I hope I dont waste my adolescents by maturing into an adult to early.
That's something I need to work on.
I want to be free.

Fifty-three.

2009-01-02T21:22:00.000-08:00

Belinda Carlisle - I Plead Insanity.

I Plead Insanity
Belinda Carlisle / Live Your Life, Be Free

I can't be responsible
For anything I do now or say now
I get too excitable
To control the way I behave now

I'm afraid of what I'll do
If I find myself alone with you
It's just a crime of passion baby
Don't hold it against me
I'm innocent
I'm just out of my mind

(chorus)
I plead insanity
Whoa, I'm so mad about you
I can't think straight, I can't see straight
I plead insanity
All I do is obsess about you
I can't work days, I can't sleep nights
I plead insanity

I know that there are rules for this <
And I plan to break every one of them <
And if I go too far tonight
Baby you can be my alibi

And if I act irrational
I'm not responsible
For anything that happens here
Don't hold it against me
I'm innocent
I'm just out of my mind

I plead insanity
(rest of chorus)

I have a fantasy...
All I need is to see it come true with you

Fifty-two.

2009-01-02T19:49:00.001-08:00

When I See You Smile
Bad English / Bad English

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you, I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cos sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free, and then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby, and everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do, it's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling, I don't feel it, 'cos you're here with me now
And one look at you baby, is all I'll ever need, it's all I'll ever need

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile, baby, baby when I see you smile at me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby, and everything's alright, everything's alright
So right

When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light, oh oh
I see it shining right thru the rain, yeah
When I see you smile, I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, oh yeah, baby when I see you smile, smile at me

Fifty-one.

2009-01-02T19:44:00.001-08:00

Black Button.

OKAY.
So, this is quite possibly my favorite short film... ever.
It really makes you think.
What path would you take?

Fifty.

2009-01-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

There's a short film out there called "60 cups of coffee", The only clip I could find to show you is found in the video dedicated to short films... like a smorgasbord of short films, if you will. Any way, "60 cups of coffee" starts at 1:04, and ends shortly after.
I love this one. =]]

Forty-nine.

2009-01-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

Waking up.
A short film by Bryan Adams.

Forty-eight.

2009-01-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

Check out http://www.danmartensen.com/, amazing (and famous,) photographer.

Forty-seven.

2009-01-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

Milton Carter.
I want.

Forty-six.

2009-01-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

Eeek.
I love this.

Forty-five.

2009-01-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

I am sure I'm not the only one to wonder what life will hold for me, what it has in store for me. Will the Earth and its beings grant me a life of peace and serenity, perhaps triumphant turn outs and excitement in my veins, or will they thrust upon me a life that I never wish to have, of melancholy thoughts and loneliness?

Tell me Earth, will you bless me in my days?

Forty-four.

2009-01-01T23:54:00.001-08:00

Its really not a surprise that the bohemian style would come back into the fashion scene. I have always been a 70's dressing, hippie looking, bohemian style kind of gal, and am excited that designers are coming out with clothes that I actually love! Normally, I would settle for something that was... similar to the 70's style, but now- these looks are everywhere!

Keep in mind before I start, that I am not normally one to gravitate to the 'in style' crap. But, this 'in style' season, just so happens to be my style. So, I am taking this opportunity to find things now, whether they are expensive or not. Its a new year, with hopefully more money coming in. It wont hurt to look for a few pieces here and there that are well above my middle class price range.

Now...I'm trying to put together a wish list for my birthday coming up in February, either for me to by, or as a gift from my loved ones. Which ever, here's a few things I was thinking about.

I dont really like chocolate, but this picture was cute. =]

I have read time and time again what styles define bohemian, hippie and the over all 70's look; long flowing shirts or dresses, in crisp white or deep floral prints, leather and or wooden jewelry, natural color clothing, long hair, minimal make up, fringe, or virtually no clothing at all. The list goes on and on.

I find that the 'prettier' florals are more hippie chic, then just plain 'ol hippie. There's a vast difference between the too, and the world knows it. To bring modern aspects to the 'loose' look, it takes a lot of thinking on... the fashionistas of the world. However, I'm not one of those people. I pick up what I like, and buy what fits.
Simple, huh?
So, lets start.

Well, what do you know. Going to the Boho magazine website gives you links to boho styles. =D

You can one: Visit www.bohomag.com, or Two: you can visit www.nationaljeancompany.com for a crap load of jean styles. OR Three: if you like the wide leg pant look, you can go straight to the source, www.FrankieB.com. I love, buuuut- way to pricey for me at $196.00 for one pair. Ah, no thank you.

Now, I am seriously considering this necklace priced at $112.00. I saw a necklace in The sister hood of the traveling pants 2, and immediately fell in love with it. Blake lively wore it as she yelled at her father for keeping the letters her grandma had wrote to her. This isn't an exact match, but believe me, I looked.
You can buy it here at http://www.dogeared.com/the-golden-mischa-wishbone. Yes, Mischa Barton wears this same style, not that I care. haha. But you may.
I own a small wishbone necklace that grants a wish when the yarn chain breaks. I've had that necklace for a few years now. =]

I'll be posting more 'wish list items' soon. More affordable parachute pants for example, and other affordable items. But for now, I'm tired. Its 2:30 am, I wont be going to bed for awhile, but I wont be staying up much longer ether.

Happy end of the New Year to you.
Its now, January 2, 200...9!

Forty-three.

2009-01-01T20:36:00.001-08:00

Emiliana Torrini "Me and Armini"- Part one:

Part two:

Her voice is absolutely mesmerizing, this will not be the last you hear of her from me.
Favorite artist of the new year! ;)
<3

Forty-two.

2009-01-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Basia Bulat- In the night.
The video dosent come up until after 22 seconds into it, and ends roughly around 3 min. Other then that, its just a blank grey screen.

Forty-one.

2009-01-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

Vampire Weekend- Oxford Comma.

Forty.

2009-01-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

Haha, oh lord.

Thirty-nine.

2009-01-01T01:14:00.001-08:00

Okay, so- I dont know what this famous models name is... but, I loved this picture and had to stick is somewhere.
Here's the link where I found it, http://lolita.blogg.se/category/beauty.html.

Thirty-eight.

2009-01-01T00:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you all!
For those of you who enjoy parting and getting shit faced, I hope you had enough to count for the both of us, because I am as pure as it gets.

My family and I went down the hill looked at houses (ugh) and ate. Then we went to Starbucks just before the 7 o 'clock movie (We saw Benjamin Button, SO good by the way.) Then, we went searching all over the place for a food around 11, nothing was open. We searched for another half in hour, and finally found a Del Taco. Which was surprisingly good.
We got to the house just as the clock stroke midnight.
Perfect timing to hear the faint (made to be loud) bangs on the cook wear. We honked the horn because we literally just pulled up.
It was an ordinary day, it seemed.
Things change.
It really is a sad affair.

I cannot tell you how... how amazing the movie, along with the music I had just bought, and the drive up the hill, accompanied by the dream book my sister has bought the previous days, and the recognition of the dream I had about a month ago, was. It all made my day... amazing.

I cannot write it all tonight, I feel I am to tired to write an amazing piece, and trust me- this experience is worth the best words ever created.
Happy New Year, <3

Thirty-seven.

2008-12-31T00:37:00.000-08:00

"Grab the book closest to you. Go to page 56. Find the 5th sentence. Write that sentence in the text box. "
I read a blog that had this instruction, and- I followed it.
The book is called 'Hippie', written by Barry Miles.
Page 57. Line 5.
'The previous year, at the age of 35, Martin Luther King, Jr had become the youngest man to receive the Nobel Peace Prize.'

Thirty-six.

2008-12-31T00:24:00.001-08:00

As 2008 comes to a close, and 2009 approaches I would like to pay tribute to an amazing actor who passed away this year.

Heath Ledger,
My love for you started with 10 things I hate about you and never stopped, even with the announcement of your death. I love you for your amazing smile and your brilliant talent as an actor that will forever be missed. You left this world to young. I believe you had more to give to this world, but I know that you are enjoying your time where ever you are. Rest in peace Heath. You will always live in my heart.
And...After all, you charted your life before you entered this world, before you were born. I'm not bitter, I understand.
I will always remember you.

Thirty-Five.

2008-12-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

I saw it.
I saw Marley and me.
I had to bite my bottom lip and pinch the skin between my thumb and index finger to stop from letting the tears roll down my face.
I'm not a huge crier, but that was pretty sad. Who knew I could get worked up over a dog. I went straight home to hug my dog, Grizzly, and puppy, Gypsy. =]

Yes, its the cover for the book, which I haven't read.

Thirty-four.

2008-12-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

First off, I have resisted the urge to visit his networking profile (Ughm, Myspace). Which I am feeling, at this moment in time, is quite an accomplishment, the reason for this sudden R Celibacy? Well, its because every time I go to his page, I get depressed; not sad… d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d. I cant help but read the comments from her, and the progress I have made from the last year, month, and week seem to slip through my fingers like a sun block bottle that has leaked all of its body.
It hurts. Regardless of how pulled together I may seem on the out side, I cant escape the thoughts in my head of ‘what if?’ and then the ‘whys?’, but honestly, there’s really nothing you can do to change the mind of the one you loved, who does not and will not love you back.
I dont love him, I was in love with him, which is vastly different, not just for the past tense wording. He was my first love, and naturally, it hurts to see him move on, especially because it was on his terms and not mine. But, I’m doing fine. Ha-ha. I’m doing better then fine! Its not that I miss what we had, its that I miss feeling the way I did. Having someone there to go to, having the feeling of being loved.
Now, though, I don’t need that from him, all I want is my friend back. Were perfect friends together and I love that. But sometimes he’s not always around when I need him, or just want to talk to him, which brings me back to that feeling, the feeling of love.
I don’t want him to give me that feeling, I just want someone to. I feel lonely for someone to care for me like he did. That’s all.

A child could potentially fill the void, no?
Maybe I'll stick to dogs.
But seriously, how cute is that photo?
Cute.

Thirty-three.

2008-12-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I wrote a letter to a site called ElderWisdomCircle. I love it! The purpose of this site is for teens, and any other person old and young to ask for advice! Its especially amazing because the 'advice givers' are all over the age of sixty. Which, if you haven't already figured out, is perfect for almost every experience you are going through thus far! Why you ask? Well- because they have lived through it of course! Here's my letter, and the response written by an 'old fella' (as he put it) that goes by the nick name TreeFrog (remember that if you want to request him) =].

I sent in a question, and the very next day, I got an email- ON CHRISTMAS! I was amazed.
Here's the email in its entirety.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL BEFORE READINGTHE INSTRUCTIONS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS REPLY.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hello Paige, Thank you for using ElderWisdomCircle.org to seek advice. The Elder's reply is below.
TITLE: A Life.
LETTER NUMBER: 146898
YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION: Hello!

I am humbled that I have stumbled across this site. There are many things that happen in someones life that you feel you cannot tell a person you know face to face. Having some one like you help me in my troubles is a blessing. Sometimes, hearing what you need to know from a stranger wakes you up in ways that you would have never imagined otherwise. Especially having someone who have lived beyond my years, and are wise from their own experiences help me with something I fear I will never understand.
Sometimes I feel I have hit a mid life crisis even before my life has begun. I understand that I have time to figure this out, but- I feel I need to understand WHEN that happens exactly. When does a light go on in my head telling me that I know what my purpose is in life.When will I stop dreaming about the future and live in the present; enjoying all the seconds of my life as a teenager?I'm not expecting a miracle answer, just maybe a scenario in your life that gave you that 'light', the situation that made you realise what your purpose in your life was. Or even if you had one at all...?
Thanks so much, Paige

ELDER RESPONSE: Paige, it is good to hear from you :-) I wonder, is there anyone alive who has not asked the same questions that you ponder, questions about life and its meaning ? It would surprise me to hear otherwise. As I personally look back over the years I've discovered that in each phase of my life the "meaning and purpose" question was asked. I remember asking it as a teen and in college; then as a young man with big plans of marriage and starting a family; and then as a middle-aged husband/father struggling to meet life's challenges; and now, as a old fella. Did I find the answer, or, as you put it, did I see the "light"? I hate to beg your question but "yes and no". Listen carefully Paige..."Life has no meaning in and of itself". It is my belief that WE bring meaning to life and we bring this meaning and define it by the choices we make, the paths we choose (I wish I could type this last sentence in bold:-) Let's look at a young man who decides to drop out of school. He chooses to join a gang and gets himself hooked on drugs. He subsequently resorts to crime. He has given his life meaning but hardly a very good one. And then we have a young person who chooses to get a good education and decides that working with children is rewarding so she pursues a path toward teaching. She also has given her life meaning. Paige, what I'm suggesting is that the meaning of life (and the "light") ends up being understood and lived (either well or poorly) when we make choices. For some life means confusion, despair and anger. It is because of their choices. For others, life means loving, giving and receiving. Again, because of the path they chose. Of course, they are those who find life meaningless. They are the ones who made no choices, had no goals, took no risks and, therefore, sadly enough, are going nowhere. You ask, " When will I stop dreaming about the future and live in the present; enjoying all the seconds of my life as a teenager?" That's a very good question and my answer is, "When you start making choices in the here and now". Some of the choices you can work on are: be a happy, outgoing teenager, stop worrying; enjoy and cherish friendships; smile and love others as much as you can; work hard at school and realize that your life will unfold well and have meaning if your choices are good. Life simply means what you make it. Paige, for all of its problems, the world (and life) is a beautiful thing. Decide that you will add to this beauty at each and every stage of your life. If you do this, the future will unfold as it should and you will discover that the meaning of life is not something "outside"...it is within you! Have a wonderful Holiday Season and a blessed, peaceful New Year :-)
Best Regards, Treefrog
Date Requested: 12/25/2008
Response Date: 12/25/2008
www.ElderWisdomCircle.org

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Make an online tax-deductible donation below:https://www.networkforgood.org/donation/MakeDonation.aspx?ORGID2=20-0609575 Look for our new book "The Elder Wisdom Circle Guide for a Meaningful Life", available on-line or at retailers nationwide. Visit the EWC site for more information. Use of this service implies agreement to hold EWC & members harmless in all matters related to advice usage. If warranted consult a professional in addition to this request.

And my reply:
I have to say, I dont understand the 'If you want to give kudos' directions. To give you kudos on how amazing your reply was- was I just supposed to hit reply and send without words in between? Who knows. That wouldn't make sense anyway, because just hitting reply wouldn't allow me to comment on your advice.
You have helped me SO much. I'm not sure you will ever realise just how much. Being an Aquarius, it is my nature to dream about the future, never really enjoying my life in the present. But I understand now, that making the decisions 'in the now' is all I can do to live my life to the fullest here and now. Now, I'm not saying that the antsy urge to dream and move on will be silenced, because I'm not sure I have the will power to change such a big part of me. But I can work my hardest to live each day of my life to the fullest, focusing on the good things that are happening in my life, without pushing it to the side for the next big challenge to arrive. Dreaming of college is a great thing to strive for, but- I'm not enjoying high school, because I'm to busy dreaming about what will come next that I forget to enjoy the things that are already happening.

"realize that your life will unfold well and have meaning if your choices are good. Life simply means what you make it." and"Paige, for all of its problems, the world (and life) is a beautiful thing. Decide that you will add to this beauty at each and every stage of your life. If you do this, the future will unfold as it should and you will discover that the meaning of life is not something "outside"...it is within you!"

These are the most helpful, they really struck a cord, thanks soooo very much!

<3
_______________________________________________________
As you can see, he was a great help! He wasn't skimpy on advice, and he truly seemed like he cared! This site is a life savior for anyone who feels that one: They cant go to anyone they know for advice, and two: that have come to people for advice, but they have never explained it the way these kind people do, because they themselves have not been through it. Please, check it out. Make a donation. I know that funds could be low for the next few years, because I am going through it right now, but even if you dont have money to give, feedback is appreciated. I would hate to see an amazing site like this one, shut down because of the lack of funds.

I hope that this post helped you, in anyway. This is just another sign that lets you know- you are never alone in any situation you may be going through, because these strangers are right by your side, ready to help when asked.

Thirty-two.

2008-12-27T20:45:00.000-08:00

"Love is the person you think about during the sad songs"

Thirty-one.

2008-12-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Hey bloggers, tea lovers and random amazing blog browsers that have stumbled onto my 'lets write whatever I am obsessed about today' blog!
Heres a random picture, just for kicks.

I got many great gifts that were generously giving to me this devastating economic, holiday season; so I am eternally grateful. A few things I recieved were TEA (of course! Thanks Mother, Father, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Debby, love you all for that ammmmazing gift!), and as another huge present (this time for the money amount) is... a Verizon Dare phone. I didn't ask for it, but got it anyway. Its pretty techno advanced (I still haven't got the hang of it) but thanks so much parents! Love you always, despite the gifts that you buy. I have to say, out of every expensive gift, the one that truly made me happy, was the tea- because I got to share it will my family, the people I love even on the days when I feel I could strangle them (ha). Yesterday we all had a rough day, (my aunt was moving her company to a different location, so things were going wrong left and right), so- to make the day a little better at night, we all had a cup of tea and scones and talked. It was amazing, that memory is truly the best Christmas present I could ever hope for.

First off, the Christmas songs have dwindled down to almost nothing these days, which is normal for the 'after Christmas blues', which I cant say I mind. They start the oldies Christmas music even before Thanks Giving, which definitely gets the world in an excited mood. But for two months with nothing but Christmas music? Ah, its just not right. Give me at least one station that has the normal tune-ag. Ah, its all fine and dandy because... Christmas was great! Hope yours was as well. Tell me about it?

Secondly, my gift card was declined as I willed and dealed over which 'big purse' I should purchase that would house my lap top and many books in the next few days of frantically writing essays, and studying for finals AND studying for the exit exam. LORDY. I have always thought that, that situation would be way embarrassing, but It wasn't. I was just like 'what? Ah, oh well.' haha. But, my mom took me back to Target with the gift receipt that apparently "dosent work for gift cards", which was crap. haha. Even through the mess, my mom bought me the on sale purse for$22.00 (including tax), so yay!, thanks Mother Dearest.
Annnnd, I have been spending, spending, spending my Barns and Nobel gift cards like crazy. All 75 dollars of it. I bought three books related to the culture, style, and music of the hippie era (mid sixties, early seventies), and also a 'Things you should do in high school, to get to college' or something like that, book. haha.

Its been a long weekend away from home, but fun none the less.
I am home now, as of an hour and something minutes ago.

Thirty.

2008-12-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good... day!
Hope your day is filled with happy faces.

I'll be heading down to Redlands for a family party, and staying down there because of the bad weather.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Twenty-nine.

2008-12-24T17:17:00.000-08:00

I came across these pictures from an image bookmarking site called imgfave. I loved these pictures and decided to stick them some place so they wouldn't be swiped clean from my mind. So, here they are.
PS: I prefer Weheartit, but for some reason the site is down right now, which is making my insides sad- and that is how I came across imgfav, I needed a picture fix. ;)

Twenty-eight.

2008-12-24T03:57:00.000-08:00

"Its not that I'm anti-social... Its just that every one's an ass hole."

Twenty-seven.

2008-12-24T02:28:00.000-08:00

Its Christmas Eve! and 5:00 AM. (after revising and all.)

How quickly this Christmas is coming. This year has sped past me in whirl wind of emotions. This time last Christmas, I was a full time public school student barely making the acceptable grades. Now, as 2008 comes to an end, I am a full time independent study student making straight A's, working to make money for a trip to London, and frantically studying for the all important finals and tests coming up; my High School Exit Exam being one of them.

So much has changed in the last year. I feel that I am learning a lot about who I am, and who I am becoming. Still, I feel there's much to learn about myself, and I'm excited to take the road of self discovery.

I have taken the easy way out of many things these past three years. Social situations became an extremely panicky emotion for me, and as a result, I am out of public school. Simple situations like walking down a hall way makes my heart skip a beat or two. I dont feel comfortable around my 'friends' and it never seems to get better. I say I dont have a lot of friends, and thats true to a certain degree. Some people, call their acquaintances- friends. I, however, do not. So, for the record, I have endless amounts of acquaintances, and little friends. One to zero, you may say. Imagine going through high school without a best friend. However naive this may sound, there is no reason to get up in the morning. Making good grades is not a motivator if everything in between classes is hell. You know?

When I fell in love, I fell hard; or so I thought at the time. Was it really love? Or did I just really really like him? I think it was love, because why would ending something as small as like, hurt so badly? I don't know. I have no idea what it was, or why he chose to move on. But it hurt. It hurt like hell, and it still does. I have no idea where my attitude towards trusting people and letting people in came from. It took me months to tell him the stupidest things. But to me, they were monumental in my life, something that had scarred me, or something that had shaped me. I let him in, and as hard as that was for me to do, he moved on. Leaving me on the floor, shaking as the tears rolled down my face, burning tear marks into my skin.
It hurt, It hurt so bad.

It will be two years in the summer of '09 when he decided that loving someone else was better then loving me. Was I not open enough? Did he not see that everything I told him was such a huge deal to me? I talk to him often, and I talk to his serious girlfriend or ex- I guess, the one that he left me for.

It still hurts, but there's moments where I have an epiphany. Moments where I think, were still friends, I still love him, but in a different way then I did.

But there's also moments when I come across a comment of hers to him, telling him how much she loves him, and I feel like shit all over again. I actually like her, shes a nice person, so I feel odd that I used to have bitter feelings towards her. Not even her, to him. Now, its just skin deep sadness. Something that hasn't faded in two years. I need to move on, I need to. I deserve to.

I have day dreams that I will hug him in London, a friendly hug, and feel absolutely no feelings for him. I Dream Of Such A Day. I would meet someone on my travel and never think another more-then-friends feeling for him. I have faith that it will one day happen.

Why?
Because I know I am a good person, with potential for great things, and great people to come into my life. I am worthy of love, just not who I had originally had loved. And you know what? I am absolutely fine with it. Good things will come my way. They will.

Merry almost Christmas, to a new year, with endless possibilities.

Twenty-six.

2008-12-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

And as the ghost approached my battered body she spoke words that pierced me life knives.
"pay backs a bitch" she snickers.
Her face turns powder white as she stares blankly ahead, with trees and plants surrounding her translucent body.
She smiles and turns away, ignoring my plea as I whisper, "Don't let me die".

Twenty-five.

2008-12-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

P: Promise me, when I'm long gone, that I will forever be on your mind.
R: I promise.
P: and R?
R: Yeah?
P: I love you.
R: I love you, forever and always.
P: Even when my blood no longer pumps inside my veins?
R: Yes. And even when your skin starts to deuterate and only your skeleton remains.
P: Forever?
R: Forever.

Twenty-four.

2008-12-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

Mystery Jets -Two Doors Down.
Spray some cheese on those craaackers folks.
Cheesy or not, this songs amazing. =]

Twenty-three.

2008-12-20T09:15:00.001-08:00

Five O'clock heroes feat. Agyness Deyn- Who.
I came across this music video, and I loooove it.
The music, the voices and the modelesque faces. (because I'm pretty sure she is one. =]])

Twenty-two.

2008-12-18T21:29:00.000-08:00

The Teenagers is an amazing music skin site for your Myspace profile. Very artistic, I love it. =D

The Teenagers Website.
The Teenagers Myspace.

Twenty-one.

2008-12-17T21:01:00.000-08:00

TSOOL (The Soundtrack of Our Lifes) -Sister Surround

Twenty.

2008-12-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

Astaire's song L-L-Love.
One of my favorite songs, ever.

Nineteen.

2008-12-17T20:09:00.000-08:00

This is THE cutest poem I have read in a very long time. A girl would be lucky to have a thoughtful guy like this.

What She Does To Me

I can't remember
The last time I was this happy;
And I fly so high
Whenever she's with me.
She makes me want
To be better than I am.
She makes me long
To hold her hand;
But I'm not very smooth,
And I hope she understands
That all I want
Is to have her there.
I love her eyes and smile,
And I love her hair.

Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes everything fine.
Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes it sublime.

She's my Josie,
And she makes everything Jake.
I'll give her my best,
And do everything for her sake.
She makes me sing
The lyrics I write 'bout her;
About how much I need her
And don't want to be here without her.
But I can't do her justice
With the words I write down,
And I could never do justice
To this angel I have found.

Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes everything fine.
Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes it sublime.

For her I'll keep
Road rage under control,
And I'll never smoke
A joint, a bong, or a bowl.
Just to hear her voice on the phone,
I'll push my homework far aside.
When I'm talking to her,
Nothing else is important in my mind.

Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes everything fine.
Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes it sublime.

In a crowded room
She's all that I see.
Everyone else dissipates and disintegrates,
'Cause having her there comforts me.
I have so much more fun
Whenever we're together.
She clears my dusty eyes
And life looks so much better.
She brings the sun up
And pushes the rain away;
She stops the wind
And makes me smile everyday.

Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes everything fine.
Yeah, that's what she does to me;
She makes it sublime.

- Roche

Want the link to this poem? Then click here.

Eighteen.

2008-12-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

'You Know Man, That's Pretty Sad'

"Cool" kids like to think they're hot stuff
And everyone else ain't cool enough.
We're supposed to follow their bullshit fads.
You know man, that's pretty sad.
They call me a fool
'Cause I never cared what's "cool".
They won't give me a chance
They say that I'm sick.
'Cause I won't sell-out,
I won't be a trendy prick.
Life's not what they think.
They're not always what they seem.
It appears they love
To mess with my self-esteem.
I'm not what they think
Life's not what they've thought.
I am who I am
And I do what I want.
When will individuality come into style?
I hope it won't be a while.
I don't need the "cool" kids
I've got better friends.
I don't care for the "cool" crowd
And all of their bullshit trends.

-Roche

You can find this poem here.
I love this. Right on dude, right on.

Seventeen.

2008-12-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

Inspiration # one.
Not only is Zooey Deschanel a talented actress, she is also a gifted singer. She sings with her band under the name She & Him. Saying that I love her is an understatement, I love the way she talks (which is very distinct), and the way she dresses. Her style is much like her music, designed around the early years of the 1900's. These are my favorite songs of hers (remakes),
'You really got a hold on me'

'Dream a little dream of me.'

'Why do you let me stay here?'.

Truly an inspiration.

Sixteen.

2008-12-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

This is an adorable idea for- well, for me! haha.
I want to go to London so badly, and this is just a cute idea to remind me why I am working as hard as I am. This bracelet gets me THAT much closer to my dream of visiting London.
& one of my favorite songs is London Calling from The Clash.=D

Find this bracelet here for $16.00.

Fifteen.

2008-12-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

I want to read books of love illuminated from a small lamp.

Fourteen.

2008-12-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

I say this often, so repeating my dream day if feeling quite redundant. But with the new snow development, I feel that my day dreams are rekindled and there for, I feel the need to repeat, repeat, repeat.
Snow day they have declared. Yaaaay.
All I want at this moment is to sit at the local sweet shop by the Lake, drinking Chai tea and smiling at my wasted day.
The windows are frosted and were snowed in, what a day- what a day.

Thirteen.

2008-12-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

I thought I would post a few pictures of the men in the 'famous' world that I love. For their heart, their looks, or their skills. Whatever the reason, I adore them all.

Shia LaBeouf.

Micheal Phelps.

Rupert Grint.

Tristan Wilds.

Ryan Gosling.

Twelve.

2008-12-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

Honestly, my dream at this moment is not to travel the world, cure cancer, save the world, or even to write a novel. Right now, I dream of sitting in a quaint coffee shop, drinking steaming tea and working away on my mound of homework, or reading a good book. (only working on my homework because 1. It has to get done, and 2. Because it just seems like the college thing to do. haha.) I want to look out side the frosty window and watch the snow flakes softly stab the ground. I want to see the fog approcing over the mountain tops and green pine trees. I want to hold my breath as the thick mist radiates off the lake.
I dream of such a day.

This picture sums it up pretty well.

Eleven.

2008-12-08T17:41:00.000-08:00

I have come across a few blogs that I adore, however, for what reason; I am not sure. What makes them so special? After racking my brain for an answer, I have found a plausible conclusion.

Dedication.

Seriously, their love for their blog radiates off the screen. Dedication changes everything.

Ten.

2008-12-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

I have been sick, sick, sick with the '24 hour flu'. Last night around 10:30pm was my breaking point.
"I feel like I'm dyiiiiing, mother."
haha.
Yeah, that pretty much explains it all.

Nine and a half.

2008-12-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

In the Land of Women.
An amazing, inspiring movie.
At first, I wasn't fond of this indie style film, but grew to love and understand its depth. The first time I watched it, I had expectations, that were obviously to high. After the movie I exclaimed 'Ah, yeah. That was good."
After watching it two more times, and dissecting every meaning of the movements and words, I have found that it is one of my favorite movies. Every time I finish the film, I feel uncontrollably inspired to write.
I want to have that experience that makes a light in my head switch on, like he had. I want to write about anything and everything to make a difference, because he did. Spending time with his grandmother and her neighbors was the turning point in his life. He had just left his home after his model girl friend had broken up with him in L.A. His mother was going to take the trip to his grandmothers to take care of her. However, after this hard break up, he decided to go and help, while his mother stayed home.
The Grandmother, was convinced she was going to die, and at the end, that was very true. But the journey of self discovery and acceptance, love and the growing bond between the main character and the lonely house wife across the street, just diagnosed with breast cancer, is what really made the story worth wild.
He befriended her in one of the hardest times of her life, he learned of her struggle with finding her own identity, learned of her cheating husband, and her bitter daughter. He then, became friends with the eldest daughter who explained her hatred for her mother, and why they ended up with way they did. Never the less, this story was one to warm the heart, and make you cry. His journey was truly, one of the most amazing stories I have every encountered. Granted, it took my a few times to watch it to realize its full beauty.
I found his occupation to be such a great addiction to the story, he was a porn script writer from Los Angles, struggling to find that story that makes his life complete. He finds this story in the end. I am unbelievably envious of this fictional character.
Because I to, am looking for such a story.

This trailer doesn't even begin to address the key points in the movie. The relationship with the mother is so much deeper then the one with the daughter, its extremely hard to explain, just promise me, you'll watch it.

Adam Brody is amazing. And he makes a very good point about the misleading title, In the Land of Women.

Nine.

2008-12-05T12:54:00.001-08:00

I have attempted for years to lay down a solid plan for my many book ideas. I want to know which story I want to pursue, and complete it! I have completed three chapters from a novel that had a lot of potential, however, I stopped writing on it after the assignment was done for school. I lost the excitement for the story, and the characters.
I cannot believe how different I have become in such a short period of time, compared to a few months ago, its crazy! I have since then, thought of a story that satisfies my dreams and curiosities, how it would be if no one loved me, if I went to London, ex. This book, like many others, has potential! But I am sorry to say, that I am so unbelievably unmotivated, it makes me sad to know that I could never finish something this important to me.
I entered this writing challenge in the middle of the November, the object of entering was to write a novel in thirty days, starting on November 1st. I was sad to find this site half way through the writing process, so my word count was significantly lower then the other participants. I, inevitably, stopped writing and... here I am! I didn't finish a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. I am a failure. haha. Which is so hard to say, but excepting it, is the start of something brilliant. The power to change from a failure to an achiever!
I will continue to write on my new story, motivation and faith is what I need right now. The fact that Finals, and my Exit Exam are approaching so quickly, and that I may hipper ventilate from the stress, is a very real indication of my procrastination on my novel. But, school matters now. I need to pass these tests, or I will forever be stuck in High School.

Seven.

2008-12-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

Please, I beg you. Whatever you do, don't just throw up two fingers and declare peace. You know you don't mean it. To you, the peace sign is nothing more then a 'cool' symbol that every one uses regardless of its meaning.
You know the type, huh? The neon color shoes and white shirts with a gigantic peace sign on it. Lmao. It truly is comical to me, how people have turned the universal sign that meant everything in the 60's, into a meaningless shape. Shame on you.
I see right through you and your fake peace sign. We all do.
Fix it.

Six.

2008-12-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

I have gone through many blogs with many names that I cannot remember. I have taken inspiration from other individuals and tried building my blogs around their blogs, which ultimately failed.
Why, you ask? Because I was trying to be something I wasn't, I was trying to blog about things that I would love to like if I only changed who I am, and what I like in terms of style and interests. But thats not me, I am not a pastel pink lover, who wears cute little flower skirts and light pink heels. Although I love who they are and enjoy their style, its not me.
Look around my blog. Does any of this sound like me?
No, it dosent. And thats why I have gone through so many blogs with so many names. They were never me, I could never keep up with the styles and likes of those I was trying to imitate because I, myself, was not that person.
This is who I am, a lover of yellows, bronze, and brown. Lover of artistic hippie pictures of naked women, and long braided hair. A lover of wooden jewelry and snake vertebra necklaces. I will continue this blog with every intention to be... me.
Like it or not, this is who I am.
Paige.

Five.

2008-12-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

I have always loved the ipod, who wouldn't? Its an amazing invention, and while I can appreciate the important role it plays in the success of the future, I tend to have endless problems with the little bugger. Keep in mind I am an Aquarius, and it is said that we adore inventions and always seem to have the latest gadgets. Now, I may love unique and unbelievable technologies, but I am in no way skilled in operating them. Everything with a mechanical memory seems to burst at my touch, or have an unexplainable seizure. In simpler terms, I break absolutely everything I have ever had. Phones, ipods, computers, TVs, you name it, I've broke it. Now, when I was trying to sync my itouch music to my itunes music library, it dosent work. I am beyond aggravated by the latest development, and wish- oh I wish, the damn thing would just work for me. Given my history, I think its a much needed turn around.

Four.

2008-12-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

I adore the twins style, from their highly expensive line; Row,(Ugh, can't find the online website, sorry) or their less expensive and still way to much money for little 'ol poor me, Elizabeth and James . I put together a look inspired by these adorable sisters on polyvore.com. I realise, the world isn't to fond of their unique style.; but I couldn't love it more.
Here's a video of the up in coming Holiday collection.

Three.

2008-12-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

I want to meet my president.

And wrap my body in sparkling lights, just for fun.

And don't forget, I want to dress like this; and dream about the past.

You can find these pictures and their links on my heart page. The link is on the upper right under 'My...'. Enjoy.

Two.

2008-11-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

My perfect day would be on a Sunday, I would wake up toasty and content in my mound of blankets that wrapped loosely around my neck and snug around my curvy shape.
I could see a misty fog approaching through my bohemian curtains, and see a faint shine of the sun coming through the thick flakes of snow.
I would stretch that amazing tired extension of my lazy limbs, and smile at my awakened heart.
I would waste away the day, writing effortlessly on my novel and listening to a never ending play-list of happy coffee house music, singing along while waving my arms and swaying to the smooth vocals of my favorite artists.
I would read word after word of books that are useless to the growing mind, but pleasant and witty to the heart.
I would fantasies of traveling the world and leaving my worries behind.
I would strain my eyes for hours watching my favorite indie style movies and foreign, savory stories of love and their struggle to find it.
I would watch my all time favorite motion pictures that seemed to be filmed with me in mind, The Holiday and Because I Said So; as if a hundred times wasn't enough.
I would drink hot steaming tea for all my hours awake
and sleep a warm, dreamless night.

One.

2008-11-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

Wind, to me, is the most entrancing element on the plant. The way your skin reacts to the long, knock-you-over gusts of wind, or the calm, sweet serenity of the smaller magnitude, is absolutely breath taking. You can feel the cold breeze as it whips through your hair, you can feel it inching its way up your body, wrapping its fingers around your curves. And yet, the most magical thing about the wind, is that you cant see it. You can see the leafs of a tree moving like a wave on the ocean, but never see the wind in the bright blue sky, or cloudy winter fog. Much like friendships, you cant see your love for the person in the energy you project, but you can feel the everlasting gratitude and affection for that person. Its a magical thing, that wind.

My name is Paige,

2008-11-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am a young writer trying to maneuver my way through a low budget, public high school; where tired, underpaid teachers attempt to educate the future generations. All they seem to do, however, is overstress the kids who study for fun on the weekends and ignore the 'underachievers' or the lovers of sex, drugs, and rock&roll.
I'm trying to get through this chapter of my life without crying over spilled milk and resisting the urge to have a panic attack from the paralyzing heart ache that comes with a first love. Emotionally, being a teenager is one of the biggest and scariest roller coaster rides I have ever endured, but I'm here wishing that these years will be the best of my life.

I one day, hope to master this philosophy;

'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference' -Unknown.
PS: I am home schooled for this year, I guess my days of everlasting procrastination and calm days of sipping steaming hot tea and listening to coffee house music caught up with my grades. I am happy to say, I am a straight A student this year, thanks to the isolation of independent study. haha. <3